Grand Jury

Well, you may or may not know that the past two weeks of my life were taken up by Hamilton county as they forced me to joyfully serve my civic duty as a Grand Juror. Grand Jury is that step in our county's legal process that reviews the evidence against a defendant and then indites them (or not) which results in a trial before a judge.

In our particular grand jury situation, there is not a judge present. There is a jury with 9 members, a prosecutor, and any witnesses to the crime who help the prosecutor reveal the evidence against the defendant. You never see the defendant. While I can't reveal specifics of each case because they made me take an oath of secrecy, I can tell you some things that I learned while faithfully serving my county.

Things I learned during jury duty:

1. Should you find yourself in possession of crack cocaine and being interviewed by a police officer, it is not a good option to digest said crack. Doing so leads to you being taised by the police officer in an effort to get you to spit out the crack and in the even that you succeed in swallowing the evidence it can lead to death by heart attack. So, to avoid that they'll ship you off to the hospital where your stomach will be pumped by doctors filtering coal water into your mouth and a constant stream of throwing up coming right back out. Don't eat crack -- it'll kill you.

2. If you would like to start a drug dealing business the smartest option is to rent a car and hide the drugs in the glove box, and claim ignorance if someone finds them. And, you'll make lots of friends with the Hertz employees.

3. If you are growing large amounts of marijuana in the basement and your television gets stolen, it is probably not a smart option to call the cops and let them search the house for evidence. Those cops, they'll check the basement every time.

4. If you rob a jewelry store it is not a good idea to run 5 blocks away and then pop into White Castle for some sliders with the jewelery in your pocket, no matter how big of an apatite you worked up stealing the jewelry.

5. If you end up killing someone, it is not a good idea to write their girlfriend a note apologizing for your actions and hand it to a police officer to take to her at the hospital. That cop, he'll read the note -- he will, I promise you.

6. If you plan on robbing a convenience store, make sure that the clerk is not a large and in charge woman who will walk around the counter and threaten to kick your sorry @$$. Thus, sending you running out of the store screaming like a little girl. Chicks with tattooed necks don't like to be threatened with a pocket knife.